Clarity: I can see it now

What does healing mean? I’ve been wondering this for a while now, trying to figure out if I am or not…healing. You have to know, that it’s a beautiful process. Somehow I expected the worst part to start now. I was wrong.

So you can understand better what I am talking about, I am going to tell you a short story.

I’m sitting in bed trying to ignore my brother’s snoring :)) It’s 3 a.m. I’m in Târgul Mureș with the family. I’m scrolling through tumblr and I find a post with dedication, from my best friend. A post about the power of healing. And that’s when my eyes open up, with a double deja-vou. 

3 years ago, I was in the same context here, thinking of Dc. And A. Aah, the beauty in being in love with 2 guys…does not exist :)) Gosh, if I look back at that drama it seems so childish to me now, and still, that pain, that was big back then, small now, made its mark on my personality, and ever since I am very aware of how the devil can use a love triangle to break hearts.

And 1 year ago, I was here thinking about D, happy, with the future ahead of us, planning our honeymoon. You’re probably now expecting me to start dramatising about how beautiful it was and why it had to turn out like this. Neahhh.

Thinking of these 2 times I was in Târgul Mureș, at the same hotel, with different contexts and different Carmina’s, I can’t help but laugh.

I AM PROUD OF MYSELF. I am proud of me breathing, laughing, living, enjoying life. I am proud of the fact that I am doing all of these differently lately. I am doing all of them with GRATEFULNESS. Realising that I am blessed. Very blessed. I feel so full o life, ready to concur the world. More than that: I feel HAPPY. The ones that got to know me even superficially, will know what a rarity it is for me to say that I am happy. I haven’t said that in approximately 3 years. I didn’t feel happy. 

But not because of my past relationships, my hideous past, or my health problems, or anything else. I didn’t feel happy because for years I was always looking at what I DON’T have, for years I was ungrateful and for years I was expecting butterflies in my stomach 24/7 and for nothing to go wrong in my life. That’s what being happy meant for me.

NO, honey, happiness is in you: you just have to understand that it doesn’t matter what’s happening to you or what you’re going through, but how you react in front of the hardships in your life. You want to be the victim and try to understand why you, why now, why it it had to happen? Go for it. But take it from a person who has lived like that for years: you will end up in a dead spot. You’re not going to end up being happy or healed. But on a blocked road.

Picture yourself in a labyrinth, with a map in your hand that has indications for the exit. But instead of using it, you keep complaining and suffering and you end up to a blocked way. In a dead spot. Now it will take you longer to get out because you’ll waste time going back to where you started. That’s if you don’t choose to stay in the labyrinth…which for me it seems the saddest choice ever. I regret wasting 2 years in the labyrinth. 2 years that could’ve been 2 weeks…2 years I can’t get back.

The Bible says “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,” – Ephesians‬ ‭4:26‬ ‭NIV‬‬.And this seems the key to life for me, whether you are or not a religious person. Do not let the sun go down while you are still anxious. While you are still depressed. While you are still sad. While you are still hateful. Don’t allow yourself to stay in this place a minute longer, a minute that will turn into hours, days, months, 2 years…Take action NOW. How do you choose to react in front of the hardships in your life?

Yep. I am proud of myself because I’m living joyful with things I thought I couldn’t live with (how true it is that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle). I am proud of where I am today and of who I am today, even if I know I can do x10 better. I am proud because I am thankful for what I have, and for what I don’t have, I will work hard. I’m done feeling sorry for myself. And this goes for the character as well (example: you want a loving, mature, faithful girlfriend/wife? Stop complaining for not having her yet and start working on your character so you can attract only that type of women). I am proud of finally moving on with the RIGHT attitude.

So. How blessed am I? VERY.And that’s how I realised that even if I’m not completely healed, I am on the right path.With the right approach.

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