I died

We all love spring for the same reason. Resurrection.

Everything around us resurfaces after a cold, long winter. It revives! “Like a Phoenix from the ashes” if you know the saying.

And by definition, revival means it being more beautiful than before.

This spring marks exactly that for me. It marks 2 anniversaries of my 2 deaths. Yes, you read that right. I died. Twice.

My friend Andreea sent me a beautiful article that spoke about parental love and the love of God.

Those of you who are not Christians may be closing the page right about now, but please don’t. Because even although I speak from a Christian’s perspective, I think you’ll agree with me on this one.

Anyway, I was reading this article and I started having flashbacks of myself crying in different contexts. Crying hysterically.

Crying when I tried to take my life; crying at night on the balcony in the cold so I won’t wake up my family; in the school bathroom; on the ambulance; crying when he broke the engagement; crying at 2 a.m. over the phone begging my mom to come take me home; crying on the bathroom floor in a club in a foreign country etc.

Moments when I felt not just ALONE and HELPLESS.

Moments when I felt desperate. Terrified of how I could physically feel how someone had his hands inside me and was crushing every internal organ.

I just couldn’t understand it. And I didn’t want to. I just wanted it to stop. Just wanted it to be over. The pain overdose…

This spring marks 2 years since I tried to kill myself. 2 years since I thought that was my answer. This was my first death. The reasons behind my decision were many, but none were good enough. Because there isn’t a good enough reason to take your own life!! No matter what you feel right now. Take it from someone who woke up disappointed the next day for not managing to pull it off despite all the research that I’ve done to make sure I did it right.

I would roll my eyes every time the doctors would tell me how I was supposed to die and how lucky I am to be alive and I couldn’t stand hearing the nurses judging my choice.

This spring also marks a year since my way too public break-up. Dennis Quaid said “When you break up, your whole identity is shattered. It’s like death”. I agree. This was my second death. And this was more painful than the first one because my entire being died. Carmina did not exist for me anymore.

You first go through the mourning stage, then the rebellion, and then all of a sudden you have to find life by yourself.

Today, I look at myself and I understand. I understand why it couldn’t be over when I wanted it to be. Why I had to suffer. Why I had to die: so that God can put me back together piece by piece into the Carmina that He wanted me to be in the first place. Do you know how few people get this chance? To rebuilt their identity, character, passions from scratch??

He gave me this chance. He broke me and crashed me untill there was nothing left in me. Except Him (God). And I cannot be grateful enough! Ever since Madrid I have thankfulness on my lips and it seems like no matter how many times a day I say it, it’s not enough!

I am bursting with joy every morning when I think of what I was doing and how I was this time last year, and how I am now. I would’ve called you crazy if you would’ve told me 2 years ago that I would be so full of enthusiasm and grace.

I would give anything for you to see God through my eyes right now. For you to feel the joy I have in my bones. Life is so beautiful, and now I find reassurance in trials, for I know what the result will be: MORE JOY.

I know that what you’re going through right now, there’s a purpose. And that God will transform you pain overdose into a joy overdose. I know, sounds beautiful but you’re probably wondering “When?? When will that happen for me too?”.

I wish I had an exact date to give you, but I have this encouragement for you: if God worked on a drug addict, with a broken engagement who also mocked God for years, He will definitely change your circumstances as well!!

Ed Sheeran used to say “Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, then it’s not the end”.

Your story is far from finished.

Mine just begun as well.

My identity is in Him and in that way, I have the reassurance that no matter where He takes me, it’s the best place for me to be.

Photo Credits: Jake Jakab

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